Over the past three years there’s a phrase that has been said to me many, many times: that wherever I go, I take my son with me….
I’ve always nodded and agreed – partly out of politeness, and partly out of acknowledgement of the implicit truth in the statement – I have not however felt that truth, to be either factually nor viscerally true. My consented nodding and words of agreement have been expressed in acquiescence, and hardly whole-heartededly embraced nor believed.
It’s actually been a rather difficult phrase to hear – because another part of me has silently raged at the falsehood. I do not take my son with me, for how can I? He’s dead …….
Lately however, there has been a marked change…..for something remarkable has happened. I can truly feel Christopher …..with and within me, and not on occasion, but all the time. I do therefore now take him with me, when and wherever I go.
This may seem like a strange thing to say (then again, this situation is hardly the epitome of ‘normality’, rather it is the complete opposite. Strange has become anything but, and as familiar as air…..). To any parent this is of course the norm – we’re not separated from our children just because they’re out of sight….but neither is it so if they are out of life. Its taken a while for this to properly sink in, just how ridiculous this would be ……my sons heart stopped, but that didn’t stop mine, nor did it stop me being his father; it certainly did not stop me loving him.
It’s quite something to discover just how vast and capable love is, quite staggering actually. Words are inadequate here to be honest …..
to realise that my son didn’t go anywhere; I did ….. it was not him that was lost, it was me …..I’d lost sight of him, is all, drowned as I was in the loss and the inference of culture and others.
I don’t think this is going to make much sense to anyone who has not lost a child, and quite rightly so – why would it? The universe is not usurped ….. but mine is, it is estranged, and yet the truly strange thing is to find that within that completely reversed world there has been hiding a horizon line, persistent and unchanged – and now that it is suddenly revealed, it cuts sharper and clearer than I either knew or remember.
Even the muscle strengthening exercise can reduce the glucose level in the side effects of viagra blood. If you are a man with ED, it might be making your relationship generic viagra germany tense and getting physical might have become off-balance at the time when your adrenal glands weren’t functioning in the right manner. A patient of ED should tell his Dr. if he or any one of his family members has suffered from a disorder that discourages the disease fighting capability from working the right way. order levitra online Its not important to drink water with soft tab viagra this medication.
It’s been a steady shift towards this enhanced comprehension – despite much exhaustion and fluctuating resolve these past few months, something has been at work behind the scenes which has provoked the re-revelation, of that immutable connection we have with our children ….so solid, and fixed, resolved, about which all else revolves.
I took it for granted, that connection, and yet don’t we all? That gifted easiness that exists between parent and child, that immeasurable and undefinable bond…..
It would be as easy to imagine that my tangible recovery of this bond is simply that: my imagination; it would be easy to be skeptical, it would be easy to refute – and I don’t look too closely into this feeling, from fear that it might evaporate. There’s always a shadow on my shoulder, threatening to darken any light…. but somehow I think not, not this time. The power’s definitely back on, and with it an advanced sense of purposely infused joy: because I have my son back……
If I have to pick a song for this week, for this post then I’d cite the one I’ve avoided for a long, long time, as played at Christopher’s funeral: ‘Ocean’s Away’ by Roger Daltrey.
Love to all,
Mx