To all my friends,
Whilst reflecting last week upon the passing of time, attendant has been an acknowledgment as stated that the grief has indeed changed.
The constancy of the visceral onslaught has definitely receded, and that is definitely a plus – can’t say it was particularly pleasant, being Jekyll and Hyde…..
Unfortunately, although I can attest to a change having occurred, I cannot offer any empirical evidence as to ‘how’ or ‘why’. I have no method of measuring the implications beneficially of anything I’ve done, and I have nothing with and by which I could make comparative judgement anyway – there is no datum, no ‘norm’. I can only make (hopefully) intelligent and informed observation …. and apply some common sense. In this latter regard, I’m sure that all the exercising I’ve done over the last two years has helped – it certainly could not have hurt (apart from the blisters and muscle aches of course…) Every step taken ( and there have been a lot of them – currently pushing the 2,000,000 mark…) that I would otherwise not have taken must have been to my benefit – that’s a lot of endorphins, and a whole lot of associated positivity: because I can recall saying this a lot over the past couple of years, which is but one example of numerous pieces of writing that I have written, which have been turned (or at times, contorted) to the positive – and these self regulated musings have definitely assisted the compass reading. (It would have been remarkably easy to have become lost, to have misread direction, or indeed, to have realised that there was any direction at all…..)
Whether it’s been the exercise therefore, the writing (of self fulfilling prophecy), the associated research, plus the dedicated the friend seeking, coupled with the natural healing capacity of time, altogether this has provoked (lately) another dynamic shift of attitude.
It feels like the power has come back on …….
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I suppose an analogy of my world as ruined house is not so difficult to understand – that place which one takes for granted, as the place most secure and safe, the repository of ones memories and investments for the future, then destroyed – as an analogy, it’s a good fit.
Consequently, since that moment of destruction, I’ve been busy, salvaging belongings and re-building my house. It was a good moment, when once again my house became wind and watertight; the power coming back on however, is a moment of considerably greater significance ….. with power, comes light, and warmth, and as such, its the first time that this house has begun to feel like home again…..
Home of course, being where the heart is……
Song for the week: a song that few will know, but a brilliant song nonetheless, written and performed by a band I was in many years ago called Moondew: ‘There’s No Place Like You.’ Title says it all …..
Love and Happy Easter to all,
Mx